Once upon a place, the homosexual ghost of Ronald Reagan wasn’t riding his penny farthing (he was walking) to the Former Transsexual President’s Ball, whilst whistling a depressing tune about rape. He wasn’t the only former president pretending to be a transsexual to get into the ball, the ghost of Richard Nixon, was actually asexual, but he still attended these balls every year. It got chilly on the way, so he got his bunny hug out of his knapsack, and put it on a tree. He saw his good friend Arthur,
“Hello, Bertha!” he exclaimed.
Arthur didn’t respond though, as his name was Arthur. Once Ronald got to the ball, he saw old Nixon sitting at the bar, ordering a big homosexual pirate. Now, it was fucking (like mating, but fuck) season for the Reagans and boy was he horny (and he also enjoyed jam on his toast (What he did was, he had two loaves of bread and in the morning, he put a slice of wheat bread in the toaster, and a piece of white bread in the toaster. He always said, ‘The brown’s for my good health, and the white’s for the good taste!’ then he’d laugh and say, ‘But, oh boy, do I like the brown!’ and then his maid would say, ‘It isn’t grammatically correct to start a sentence with ‘but” and then some children in Africa died of horrible, horrible diarrhea)). So, Reagan waited till Nixon looked away, and put Tylenol PM in his drink. Then whilst he still wasn’t looking, he drank that drink to summon up the courage to ask Nixon to sample some sleeping medication. He did, and Nixon took it and then he fell over, and Reagan raped him, and he ejaculated, and there was much rejoicing. The homosexual ghost of Reagan left the ball, whistling a depressing tune about rape. It got quite nipply on the way home, so when he saw his bunny hug on a tree, he picked it up and put it on another tree. Then a woman in northern England shot herself because she was a single mother of two and she couldn’t find a job, and she was a meth addict, and she had cancer, and she never got closure with her mother before she died, and her father raped her, and her husband died an AIDs related death, and her house was falling apart, and her children didn’t respect her, and her best friend wouldn’t speak to her, and her favorite colour was green (mine is off-white). So, Reagan kept walking after placing his bunny hug on the tree. He silently farted, but didn’t really acknowledge it, because farting is a natural occurrence and after like, eighty years of life, and, like twenty years of being a ghost, he got used to farting.
‘Holy fuck!’ he exclaimed when he saw a patch of crabgrass, then continued walking.
Nine months later, Nixon sent Reagan a letter that he had a baby, and the baby was in that envelope. Reagan looked in and pulled out his daughter. She was a clothes hanger. Reagan was really confused. But actually, she was a stump. Reagan wasn’t really confused. Her name was Gertrude and she was a fat bitch. He loved Gertrude and wanted her to be a proud homosexual. Early in life, she befriended Bill Clinton. They had the sex. Gertrude still wasn’t sure if she enjoyed having the sex with Bill, so she thought she may be a homosexual like her father wanted, but she still wasn’t sure. Someone found out that Bill was having an affair and he didn’t want people to know he was a plantosexual. He spread the rumor that he actually had an affair with Monica Lewinsky, INSKY! INSKY! M- M- M- M- Monica! Le- Le- Le- Le- WINSKY! (the smallest land mammal is the bottle-headed, hammer-nosed sholphin) MONICA, LEWINSKY! M- M- Le- Le- MONICA! Le- Le- M- M- LEWINSKY! M- M- M- M- M- M- M- M- M- MONICA Le- Le- Lewisnky!
And Gertrude didn’t like that Bill lied, so she stopped being friends with him. Gertrude decided to not have any love affairs after Bill, so she decided to focus on her studies. She attended Princeton University where she had a double major in both political science and pre-eighteenth century English literature. One day, during one of her classes, her professor was discussing how the modernization of English grammar in the late thirteenth century affected the anthropological migration of the peoples near the regions of the Caucus Mountains, when, all of a sudden, an all-American family walks into a talent agent’s office. They all had blonde hair, blue eyes, and they had a little fluffy dog. The talent agent knew their type and didn’t think they’d have a very good act. He refused them a tryout. The father pleaded with the talent agent until he decided to let them try. The entire family thanked him sincerely.
The father started unzipping his trousers, and taking of his shirt. Soon, the entire family was naked (including the dog, who removed his leash). They all started fist-fucking the dog up the asshole, whilst jacking it off. After the dog came, the father started licking the son’s balls, and the daughter started licking out her father’s asshole. The mother pulled out a dildo and shoved it up her husband’s anus, while the son was fucking her asshole. After the son ejaculated, the father started eating out his daughter’s asshole, while the mother sucked the son’s cock. The daughter then fingered her mother’s vagina, while the father and son sixty-nined. Then, then father started fist-fucking the daughter, whilst the daughter sucked on the son’s foreskin. The mother started jacking off the dog. Then the dog fame again, on the father’s face. Then, everyone took a big shit in the middle of the floor. Then they all crouched on the ground and pissed. Then, the guys, shoved their dicks so far down the girls’ throats that they vomited. Then, they put their dicks down each other’s throats so they, themselves, vomited. The men then performed oral on the girls until they squished vaginal juices. Then, they all rolled around in the big pile of shit, and cum, and vaginal juices, and vomit. They then rubbed shit all over their genitals and started fucking each other again. So, they are all covered in shit, and piss, and cum, and blood. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Where did the blood come from? You never said anything about blood! Well, the daughter, she is young and she has a pretty small asshole, and the father is a sailor, so his arms are really big, so, when he is fist-fucking her asshole, there is bound to be quite a bit of blood. So, anyway. The mother gets an umbrella and shoves it up the dog’s asshole. The. She attempts to open the umbrella while it is still up the dog’s asshole. This kills the dog, essentially ripping it in half. The family then started raping the corpse of the dog, inserting body parts into the dog’s, now gaping, asshole, mouth, and eye sockets. The daughter then pulls two rats put of a suit case that were fucking each other. She and her mother both put a rat inside of their vaginas. The rats scurried around until they found their clitorises and nibbling on them. This felt good for them at first, until the rats started biting very hard. This punctured the clitorises and many other parts of the vagina. Both of the girl’s vagina’s were cascading blood by this point, which the father both drank and used as lubricant to jack himself off and finger his own asshole. While this is going on the son uses a toothpick and inserts into his penis hole. Once he is close to achieving orgasm, he inserts the toothpick very deep into his penis hole. So when he ejaculates, he spurts both semen and a vast amount of blood. So, they are all covered in shit, and piss, and vaginal juices, and cum, and vomit, and sweat (I know the sweat makes it disgusting) and they only see this as good lubrication, so it encourages them to continue fucking each other in various positions and holes for many hours. Eventually, the mother got an umbrella, shoved it up the dog’s asshole, then opened the umbrella, killing the dog, splitting it in half. Then they raped the dog’s (now gigantic) asshole, its mouth, and its eye sockets.
She said nothing, left the class, went to her dorm, got out her vibrator, then murdered her roommate.
After college, she met a young fellow (a woodpecker) named Cornelius and she fell in love. They were so happy together. She knew that her father wouldn’t accept her heterosexuality. She decided to keep it a secret for several years. She and Cornelius were perfect together. She decided she didn’t want to keep secrets from her father. On her way to his house, Gertrude the stump, thought about her father and what he might say. Whilst she was walking she saw a patch of crab grass, so her immediate reaction was to solve crimes with an Asian, karate-using sidekick. After several years of this, she continued to her father’s to tell him about her heterosexuality. But whilst she was on her way, Carl from Jimmy Neutron killed her father. She never knew that Carl did it, but she was so upset by her father’s death that she did nothing at all. A month later, Cornelius and Gertrude simultaneously fell in love with Carl from Jimmy Neutron. They had many, many three-ways. Until one day, Carl from Jimmy Neutron raped, murdered and ate Cornelius. When Gertrude saw this, she said,
“Carl from Jimmy Neutron! You raped, killed, and ate Cornelius!”
“Yes.” said Carl from Jimmy Neutron. He also said,
“I also murdered your father.”
Then they both started vomiting and eating each other’s vomit. Then they kept vomiting and shitting and eating it. Then they ninety-sixed (fart in each other’s mouth) and both died.